Relationship Saboteurs
Presented by: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director, AllCEUs
Counseling CEs for this topic can be earned at https://allceus.com/member/cart/index/product/id/612/c/
Objectives
~ Identify the causes, consequences and interventions for some of the most common saboteurs
~ Identify interventions for issues that are commonly seen in relationship sabotage.
Fears
~ Most saboteurs are protecting themselves from their basic fears
~ Most sabotagees end up experiencing these same basic fears
~ Fears
~ Isolation
~ Rejection
~ Loss of control
~ The unknown
~ Failure
Insecurity
Effects on the Saboteur
~ Constantly anxious
~ Hypervigilant to cues of abandonment
~ Untrusting
~ May constantly question/attack partner
~ Constant reassurance from partner prevents feelings of failure, rejection, isolation
Effects on the Sabotagee
~ Can feel smothered/isolated
~ Exhausting having to constantly reassure
~ Can feel a lack of trust
~ May feel like he/she is walking on eggshells afraid of the unknown…what will set him/her off next?
Needing to Control
Effects on the Saboteur
~ Exhausting having to always be in control
~ Exhausting always worrying about loss of control
~ Relationship failures due to inability to trust partners to not abandon or reject them
~ Relationship failures due to trying to control another person
~ Involvement in relationships with dependent, insecure others
~ Can distract from relationship problems (The Hero, The Enabler)
Effects on the Sabotagee
~ Often feel invalidated/disempowered/loss of control
~ May not feel heard or appreciated / Rejection
~ May not get needs met
~ May fear failure if he/she does not meet the saboteur’s needs (if you can’t/don’t…then we are done)
Fear of Intimacy
Effects on the Saboteur
~ Inability to develop a meaningful connection based on your authentic self (Fear of rejection due to low self-esteem)
~ Untenable anxiety when placed in a vulnerable situation
~ Maintain walls to prevent from getting hurt
~ Push people away when feeling vulnerable, emotional, close. (Prior abandonment issues)
Effects on the Sabotagee
~ Inability to really get to know and trust the other person
~ Gets pushed away or lashed out on if he/she gets too close (Isolation)
~ Often ends up getting hurt and pushed away because his/her authenticity is too much for the saboteur (Rejection, failure, loss of control)
Pessimism
Effects on the Saboteur
~ Prevents him/her from getting hurt.
~ Prior experiences create a self-fulfilling prophecy
~ Allows easier relationship termination and “I told you so” face saving
~ Creates an aura of negativity
Effects on the Sabotagee
~ Prevents him/her from feeling secure, confident and happy
~ Can draw an otherwise happy person into the abyss anticipating failure
~ Can lead the sabotagee to feel powerless to meet the saboteur’s needs relationship termination, loss of control, rejection, isolation
Needing to Be Center Stage
Effects on the Saboteur
~ Ensures the other person is always attentive to them. (Helps maintain control)
~ Provides a sense of self-worth/external validation if always the object of attention (Avoiding rejection or isolation)
~ Can be devastating if the person fails at something. “If I am not the best, then I am nothing” (Failure)
~ Distracts from any other problems in the relationship (The mascot, the Hero)
Effects on the Sabotagee
~ Can feel forgotten having to ALWAYS take the backseat (Rejection: My needs don’t matter)
~ Exhausting to deal with emotional upheavals when the saboteur is not center stage
~ Often fails to get his/her own needs met because all the focus has to be on the saboteur to prevent chaos.
Defensiveness
Effects on the Saboteur
~ Gains control/power move (Prevents rejection)
~ Prevents people from getting too close
~ Controls what they do and don’t see
~ Protects against perceived criticism (rejection/failure)
Effects on the Sabotagee
~ Suspiciousness
~ Inability to trust/know the other person (Isolation, loss of control)
~ Fear of communication
~ Grow apart
Breaking Trust/Dishonesty
Effects on the Saboteur
~ Often getting a need met in an unhealthy way fearing disapproval
~ Addictions
~ Affairs
~ Buying stuff
~ Protecting from rejection after a failure
~ Avoiding a disagreement after not keeping a promise
Effects on the Sabotagee
~ Betrayal
~ Sense of powerlessness (loss of control)
~ Questioning own intuition/feelings
~ Reduced self-esteem
Addictions
Effects on the Saboteur
~ Relationship with the addiction trumps relationship with the other person
~ Numbs pain
~ Prevents reaching out, asking for help, depending on others
~ Lying, manipulating
~ Guilt
Effects on the Sabotagee
~ Powerlessness/Loss of control
~ Feeling unloved and rejected
~ Anger
~ Betrayal
~ Exhaustion from trying to “fix” the addict and/or deal with the emotional rollercoasters
~ Rejection
~ Isolation
~ Failure
Saboteur Sabotage
~ Addiction
~ Addictions are behaviors used to help people escape from pain or distress when nothing else has seemed to work—and continue to be used despite causing other problems
~ Remember we choose the behavior which is most rewarding
~ The person with the addiction needs to
~ Value what may be lost more than the temporary comfort of the addiction
~ Engage in a treatment program that addresses not only the addictive behaviors, but also the concurrent mental health issues
Saboteur Sabotage
~ Addiction cont…
~ Sobriety means achieving a life from which the person does not need to escape.
~ Substitute addictions must also be addressed
~ During the first 6 months of recovery, most people have an increase in anxiety, depression and/or PTSD symptoms.
~ The brain needs to rebalance after the addiction is removed.
~ The person needs to develop the skills to deal with their own issues.
Saboteur Sabotage—General Interventions
~ Abandonment issues
~ Where did it come from
~ Early egocentric, dichotomous learning
~ Need for external validation due to low self esteem
~ Interventions
~ Explore prior abandonment experiences. Compare and contrast them to the current situation
~ Enhance self-esteem
~ Identify why you fear abandonment from this partner
~ Use the challenging questions worksheet to explore your thoughts and feelings
~ Identify what would need to be different for you to not fear abandonment
Saboteur Sabotage
~ Low Self-Esteem
~ Complete the following sentence…I am a good person because…
~ Identify all of your strengths and weaknesses
~ Of the weaknesses, identify which ones will help you be more like the person you want to be and develop a plan to work on them
~ Silence you negative internal critic
~ Stop comparing yourself to everyone else, and be the best you that you can be.
~ Examine why you need other people’s approval
Saboteur Sabotage
~ Fear of Failure/Conditions of worth
~ Many avoid relationships because they fear failure.
~ What will happen if a relationship fails?
~ What does it mean about you if a relationship fails?
~ If you believe that failure means you pushed outside your comfort zone, then what can you learn from this failure?
~ What would you tell a child who was afraid to make friends for fear of being rejected or the relationship ending?
~ Sometimes the risk is worth the reward. What are the benefits to taking a chance
~ Why are you worthy of being someone’s significant other?
Saboteur Sabotage
~ Emotionally unavailable partner
~ Causes
~ Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel
~ Temperament differences
~ Raised to not express emotion
~ Interventions
~ Become aware of your partner’s emotional language
~ Communicate your need for an emotional connection
~ Help him/her learn what being emotionally available looks like to you. (love languages)
Saboteur Sabotage
~ Projection/Transference
~ Causes
~ Unresolved past losses
~ Expecting someone to make the same mistakes
~ Expecting someone to be just like someone in the past (positive)
~ Interventions
~ Identify who this person reminds you of and how you are trying to rewrite that story
~ If your partner is projecting on to you, gently remind him or her that you are not ____, and clarify what is happening in the moment.
~ Become fully aware of who this person is and force yourself to stop comparing them with others.
Saboteur Sabotage
~ Projection/Transference
~ Interventions cont…
~ Identify who this person reminds you of and how you are trying to rewrite that story
~ Become fully aware of who this person is and force yourself to stop comparing them with others.
Summary
~ Relationship saboteurs often protect an insecure saboteur from feelings of
~ Low self-esteem/self worth
~ Need for external validation
~ Fear of Abandonment
~ Relationship saboteurs often affect the sabotagee by causing feelings of
~ Exhaustion
~ Frustration
~ Powerlessness
~ Low self-esteem/unlovability
~ Isolation
~ Rejection
Summary
~ Interventions involve addressing
~ Low self-esteem
~ Identifying and working through triggers for fear of:
~ Rejection
~ Isolation
~ Failure
~ The Unknown
~ Loss of control
Summary
~ Interventions involve addressing
~ Developing healthy relationships through
~ Improved self awareness
~ Self and other compassion
~ Effective communication
~ Reciprocal self-disclosure
~ Healthy boundary setting based on individual needs
Recommended Readings
~ Empathy Building Exercise http://www.thoughtsfromatherapist.com/2011/06/08/empathy-building-exercise-%E2%80%93-learning-to-be-empathetic-%E2%80%93-increasing-emotional-understanding/
~ Improving Relationships: http://tinybuddha.com/blog/10-ways-to-create-a-strong-intimate-relationships/