Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills
Interpersonal Effectiveness
Presented by: Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes
Executive Director, AllCEUs
Objectives
~    Define interpersonal effectiveness
~    Identify barriers to interpersonal effectiveness
~    Examine the goals of interpersonal effectiveness
~    Review techniques for improving interpersonal effectiveness

Definition and Goals
~    Interpersonal effectiveness is the ability to ask for what you want and say no to unwanted requests
~    Goals
~    Get others to do things you want them to do
~    Get others to take you seriously
~    Effectively say no to unwanted requests
~    Strengthen current relationships
~    Find and build new relationships
~    End hopeless relationships
~    Create and maintain balance
~    Balance acceptance and change
Barriers
~    Lack of effective communication skills
~    Lack of clarity about what you want from others
~    Difficulty balancing your needs and the other person’s needs
~    Emotions get in the way
~    You sacrifice long term goals for short term relief/urges
~    Other people get in the way
~    Other people are more powerful than you
~    Need for external validation
~    Beliefs that you don’t deserve what you want

Techniques
~    Clarify priorities…How important is
~    Getting what you want
~    What, exactly, do you want, and how can the other person provide this.
~    Feel better
~    Fix it
~    Know you will never leave
~    Keeping the relationship
~    Maintaining your self-respect

DEAR MAN
~    Describe in specific, objective terms
~    Express feelings and opinions using “I” statements
~    Assert
~    Ask for what you want
~    Don’t expect mind reading
~    Reinforce by explaining the benefits to the other person ahead of time
DEAR MAN
~    Mindfulness
~    Stay focused on your goal
~    Ignore diversion techniques-blaming, magnification, justification or switching topics
~    Appear confident in verbal and nonverbal behavior
~    Negotiate
~    Offer and ask for other solutions
~    Compromise
~    Say no but offer alternatives
Keeping Relationships- GIVE
~    Gentle—No attacks, threats, manipulation, judging (should, shouldn’t, moralizing), no sneering, smirking, eye rolling, name calling
~    Interested
~    Listen
~    Pay attention to nonverbals (yours and theirs)
~    Maintain eye contact
~    Try to unhook from your emotions

Keeping Relationships- GIVE
~    Validate
~    Pay attention
~    Reflect back
~    Pay attention to what is not being said
~    Understand how the other person’s reactions and thoughts make sense based on their past and present
~    Acknowledge the valid
~    Show equality treating the other person as an equal not as fragile, incompetent or domineering
~    Easy manner
Keeping Self-Respect– FAST
~    Fair to yourself and the other person (validate both of your feelings)
~    Apologies
~    Don’t apologize for your feelings or opinions
~    Don’t invalidate the valid
~    Stick to your values
~    Truthfulness
~    Don’t lie, exaggerate or make up excuses
Asking for Something or Saying No
Asking for Something or Saying No
~    Points to Consider
~    Capability of either person to deliver
~    Does it relate to a high or low priority goal?
~    How will it impact your self respect to say or take no?
~    What are each person’s rights and values in the situation?
~    What type of relationship do you have with the person
~    What is the effect of your action on your long-term goals
~    How much give and take is in the relationship
~    Have you done your homework (needs, wants)
~    Timing
Finding New Relationships
~    Look for people with similar interests
~    Introverts
~    Extroverts
~    Work on conversational skills
~    Open-ended questions
~    Small talk
~    Find common ground
~    Skillfully self-disclose (be aware of disinhibition)

Introverts and Extroverts
Introverts
~    Get energized around other people
~    More aware of what is going on around them
~    Figure things out as they talk
~    Don’t mind interruptions
Extroverts
~    Have to exert energy to be around others
~    More aware of what is going on inside them
~    Figure things out then talk
~    Prefer peace and quiet
Maintaining Relationships–Mindfulness
~    Be self-aware
~    Be aware of your impact on others
~    Pay attention to transference issues
~    Pay attention with interest and curiosity
~    Stop multitasking
~    Stay in the present instead of planning your response
~    Focus on those around you
~    Be open to new information
~    Let go of judgmental thoughts about others
Maintaining Relationships–Mindfulness
~    Give up always being right
~    Avoid assuming what other people think
~    Avoid questioning other people’s motives
~    Go with the flow instead of trying to always control it
~    Ensure there is a give and take

Ending Unhealthy Relationships
~    Make the decision in the wise mind, not the emotional mind
~    Consider problem solving if the relationship is important and NOT destructive
~    Troubleshoot problems and rehearse coping strategies
~    Be direct
~    Practice the opposite action for love
~    Be safe!
Walking the Middle Path-Dialectics
~    The universe is filled with opposing sides/forces
~    There is always more than one way to see a situation and more than one way to solve a problem
~    Two things that seem opposite can be true
~    Everything is interconnected in some way (butterfly)
~    Meaning and truth evolve over time
~    Each moment is a new reality
~    What we do influences our environment and the people in it and they influence us
Keeping Your Balance
~    Use your wise mind to ask “What am I missing?”
~    Let go of extremes change either/or to both/and
~    Balance opposites by validating both sides
~    Make lemonade.  Find the silver lining
~    Treat others as you want to be treated
~    Look for similarities, not differences
~    Practice radical acceptance
~    Practice accepting change
Keeping Your Balance
~    Pay attention to your impact on others and how they impact you
~    Let go of blame
~    Remember that all behaviors are caused

Important Things to Balance
~    Accepting and Changing Reality
~    Validating Yourself and Acknowledging Errors
~    Working and Resting
~    Needs and Wants
~    Self Improvement and Self-Acceptance
~    Emotion Regulation and Emotion Acceptance
~    Independence and Dependence
~    Openness and Privacy
~    Trust and Suspicion
~    Focusing on Self and Focusing on Others
Summary
~    People with emotion dysregulation often struggle in relationships due to
~    Lack of effective interpersonal skills
~    Need for external validation
~    Lack of clarity about needs
~    Necessary goals
~    Clarify wants and needs
~    Enhance assertiveness and interpersonal skills
~    Enhance self-esteem
~    Develop and maintain supportive relationships