272 -Parenting Skills
Counselor Toolbox

00:00 / 73:46

Parenting Skills

CEUs are available for this presentation at https://allceus.com/webinar

• Identify 6 key areas of child development
• Describe characteristics of children in 4 stages of development
• Identify key principles to help you effectively work with/parent children.
Developmental vs. Chronological
• Culture, environment, health and personality impact developmental age.
• Maslow

6 Ways Children Grow
Piaget in a Nutshell
• Thinking, Reasoning and Problem Solving
• Pre-operational
• Concrete Operational
• Formal Operational
Erikson in Brief
• Love and Belonging, Self-Esteem
• Autonomy vs. Shame
• Industry vs. Inferiority
• Identity vs. Role Confusion
Kohlberg’s Theory of Moral Development
• Level 1: Preconventional: Focus on the Self
• Punishment and Obedience: Can I do it and not get caught?
• Personal Benefit: What makes ME happiest?
• Level 2: Conventional: Focus on Others
• Conforming to the will of the group. What makes others happy/gets me approval?
• Authority and Social Order: What does society say I should do?
• Level 3: Post-Conventional: Focus on the Principles
• Social Contract and Human Rights: Do the rules need to be changed to fit the current culture?
• Universal Ethical Principles: What is the most compassionate and ethical choice?
Common Observations: Preschool
• Biological Needs
• Sleep: 10-13 hours quality sleep
• Exercise: 30 minutes of structured physical activity and at least 60 minutes of unstructured physical activity daily
• Nutrition: ~1400 calories
• Piaget–Cognitive Needs: Concrete Operational
• Use concrete examples: How would you feel if….?
• Egocentric: Help clarify what is and is not the child’s doing…
• All or Nothing; Always or Never. Difficulty with sometimes.
• Clarify Media: Truth vs. Fiction and Ongoing vs. Reruns

Common Observations: Preschool
• Love, Belonging and Esteem Needs –Erickson: Initiative vs. Guilt
• Love and Belonging Needs (UPR)
• Self-Esteem Needs: What can the child do? Dislike behaviors not children.
• Kohlberg–Social/Moral Reasoning
• Instrumental purpose (good deal)
• Safety Needs

Common Observations: Preschool
• Strong attachment to home and family
• Short interest span
• Short attention span
• Aware of self and own desires
• Imaginative (animism)
• Curious
• Seeks repetition of enjoyable activities
• Boys and girls readily play together
• Depends on adults for getting needs met
• Needs consistency
• Thrives on structure
Common Observations Elementary
• Biological Needs
• 9-12 hours of sleep
• Nutrition: 1600-2000 calories
• Moderately active 60 minutes a day, at least five days a week or have at least 11,000 daily activity steps on a pedometer
• Piaget–Cognitive Needs: Concrete operational thought
• Still needs concrete examples
• Less all-or-nothing thinking
• Love, Belonging and Self-Esteem– Erickson: Ability to master and complete tasks/sense of accomplishment
• Emphasize goodness of the child
• Model positive expectations
• Teach acceptance of failures
• Encourage calculated risk taking

Common Observations Elementary
• Kohlberg–Social/Moral Reasoning: Interpersonal Accord and Conformity (Being good and living up to what others expect of you)
• Openly communicate about expectations and their rationale
• Identify who “others” are
• Reward conformity to expectations
• Safety Needs
• Safe, independent exploration (Scouts, sports teams, hobbies)
• Cohesiveness in the environment: A feeling of confidence that one's internal and external environment is predictable and that things will probably work out as well as can be reasonably expected

Common Observations Elementary
• Longer attention span
• Difficulty managing boredom
• Provide positive alternatives
• Still short interest span
• Encourage Exploration
• Aware of others and willing to share
• Desires acceptance from peers
• Expresses self freely in play and art
• Help child put words to expressions
• Wants everyone to obey rules
• Explore feelings related to nonconformity
• Strongly identifies with own identified gender
• May seek affiliation with older siblings

Common Issues: Preschool/Elementary
Common Issues
• Regression
• Complaining and whining
• Temper tantrums / Entitlement
• Biting/hitting
• Oppositional behavior
• Shyness/social anxiety
• Sleep issues
• Splitting parents
• Technology

Questions to Ask
• What is the benefit of this behavior? (attention, limits decompression, self-interest…)
• Does the child have the vocabulary to express what is going on?
• Did something recently change?
• Is the child going through a growth spurt?
• Are either of the adults experiencing stress/anger/anxiety?
• Is this behavior being modeled?
• How can I create a Kohlberg-centric solution?
Common Observations: Middle School
• Biological Needs
• Sleep: 9-12 hours
• Nutrition: 1800-2200
• Exercise: Being moderately active 60 minutes a day, at least five days a week, or having at least 13,000 daily activity steps on a pedometer
• Piaget–Cognitive Needs: Concrete Operational
• Time and space can be understood and applied but not as independent concepts
• Encourage goal development (Envision the end and help develop steps)

Common Observations: Middle School
• Love, Belonging and Esteem—Erickson: Industry
• Child needs to take calculated risks to identify strengths
• Child needs to learn to accept weaknesses
• Kohlberg
• Social/Moral Reasoning
• Interpersonal Accord and Conformity (being good and living up to what others expect of you)
• Social Accord and System Maintenance (Social obedience is a must)
• Safety Needs
• Safe, independent exploration (Scouts, sports teams, hobbies)
• Protect from exposure to drugs, alcohol, pornography etc.
• Bullying: Virtual, IRL

Common Observations: Middle School
• Wants peer acceptance
• Choosing peers
• Accepting individual differences
• Able to develop and pursue short-term goals
• Seeks status through knowledge and skills
• Encourage exploration
• Concerned with physical size and appearance
• Beginnings of puberty
• Sphere of influence becomes peers and media
• Maintain open discussions
• Monitor internet usage (including mobile devices)

Common Observations: High School
• Biological Needs
• Sleep: 8-10 hours
• Nutrition: 2000-2800
• Exercise: Being moderately active 60 minutes a day, at least five days a week, or having at least 13,000 daily activity steps on a pedometer
• Piaget–Cognitive Needs: Formal Operational
• Capable of abstract thought and reasoning
• Use Socratic questioning to encourage problem solving abilities and perspective taking
• Continue to emphasize dialectics
• Continue to develop problem solving skills
• Emphasize Commitment, Control and Challenge

Common Observations: High School
• Love, Belonging & Esteem—Erickson: Identity vs. Role Confusion
• Encourage appreciation of individual differences (synergy)
• Enhance social skill development (win/win)
• Help identify values and what is important
• Kohlberg
• Social/Moral Reasoning
• Interpersonal Accord and Conformity (being good and living up to what others expect of you)
• Social Accord and System Maintenance (Social obedience is a must)
• Social Contract and Individual Rights
• Safety Needs
• Bullying
• Exploration (social, environmental, physical)

Common Observations: High School
• Strong desire to either conform or rebel
• Help child develop psychological flexibility
• Seeks belonging
• Competitive outside of the group rather than within
• Encourage youth to challenge “group think” with dialectics
• Intense feelings and emotions
• Educate about vulnerability prevention, mindfulness and distress tolerance
• Rapidly changing interests and ambitions
• Support youth in explorations

Common Observations: High School
• Increased capacity for independence
• Support taking on increased responsibilities
• Self-critical and self-conscious
• Encourage development of healthy self-esteem
• Puberty continues

Individual Protective Factors
• Knowledge of health promoting behaviors and the impact of risky behaviors
• Negative attitudes toward substances and substance use
• Bonding to pro-social culture both online and IRL
• Positive relationships with adults
• Views parents, teachers, doctors, law enforcement officers and other adults as allies
• Social competence
• Youth involvement in alternative activities
• Sense of well-being/self confidence
• Has positive future plans
Peer Protective Factors
• Friends have prosocial values and intolerance of bullying
• Peers adopt health-promoting behaviors
• Peers model effective interpersonal skills
• Relationships characterized by trust, communication and mutual support
• Peer involvement in substance-free activities
• Friends disapprove of alcohol and other drug use

Family Protective Factors
• Close family relationships: Communication, compassion
• Consistency: Rules and consequences; Expectations; Behaviors
• Mindfulness
• Education is valued and encouraged, and parents are actively involved
• Models positive coping and health behaviors
• Clear expectations and limits regarding alcohol and other drug use
• Encourages supportive relationships with caring adults beyond the immediate family
• Shares family responsibilities, including chores and decision making
• Family members are nurturing and support each other: Appreciate generously

School Protective Factors
• Positive attitudes toward school
• Regular school attendance
• Encourages goal-setting, academic achievement and positive social development
• Positive instructional climate
• Provides leadership and decision making opportunities for students, parents and community members
• Sponsors substance-free events
• Responsive to students' needs: Safety, affiliation, stimulation, diversity of experience

Community Protective Factors
• Opportunities for community involvement
• Laws are consistently enforced
• Informal social control and norms that encourage pro-health and pro-social behaviors
• Community service opportunities
• Resources (housing, healthcare, childcare, jobs, recreation, etc.) available
• Comprehensive prevention-focused programs available for parents of children and adolescents

Parenting Tips and Tools Summary
• Consistency
• Unconditional positive regard
• Positive redirection
• Identify the function of the behavior and help child find appropriate alternate way to get that need met
• Effective communication
• Between parents
• With child
• Age appropriate (Piaget/Kohlberg)
• Increase emotional vocabulary
• Teach active listening
• Modeling: Communication, coping, health behaviors, relationships
• Mindfulness/Self-awareness
• Vulnerability prevention